The Dirty South and More!

Thailand - January 2010

I departed the Northern Thailand to meet up with my girlfriend Vanessa in Phuket, Southern Thailand. Pretty excited to get some company on the trip after traveling solo. She is a beach enthusiast and thrilled to head for the sand. I point out she is whiter than me. We hit the beach and she is soon more tan than my pasty-ass after 3 hours on the beach. A Thai passerby asks me if i'm Irish...grrrr...She passes for a Thai resident and gets a discount at the Zoo.

The theme down here is white people getting drunk. Our neighborhood in Phuket was like a crappier version of Cancun. Trinket town shops packed with in-your-face salesmen selling pseudo Rolex. The entertainment in Southern Thailand is pretty funny. It includes entry-level Thai men singing Elvis songs over a loop track with Christmas lights lining their Flock-O-Seagulls keyboard.

On the plus side, the beaches are the most stunning on the globe. Phi Phi, the first island we went to featured beaches showcased in the Hollywood film, "The Beach", in which super-stud teen heartthrob Leo DiCaprio sets out to find the world’s perfect sandbox. The weather is perfecto and the setting has certainly tapped into our optical pleasure.

We climb a mountain to our bungalow in Phi Phi. A strange British chap named Phil checks us in. Phil looks like Frodo from the Trilogy, plus barbed wire tattoos and a Chang beer belly. Phildo Baggins takes us to our room, which is equipped with the following features...

- Three (3) pubes on the toilet seat - One (1) terd in toilet - Six (6) to eight (8) stains on the sheet from various varieties of substance. (We pretend it is puke and pray it is not rocket sauce.)

We deal with it and go out for the night. The tiny streets are packed with garbage and euro B.O. One bar features a boxing ring with "Beat up your friend night" for a free round of drinks.

The calling card drink here is a "BUCKET". The bucket consists of a bottle of cheap Thai whiskey, Coke, and Red Bull, which tastes like a Bull's red ass hole. The bar mangers feed young foreigners this stuff and pay them $9/night to promote their bar. We talked to one 21 year old British promoter named Lewis, who was riding high on party performance enhancers and completely content with getting drunk by himself, as long as he gets drunk for free. Still Jet-lagged, we head in early, impressed by the BAC of the Spring-Break party below. Phildo Baggins recommends we sleep with the lights on to keep bugs out. Does this make sense? We exploit Phil’s intelligence and convince him to refund our coin for the second night. We check out early after sleeping one night in PukePoint Bungalows, and head to the coast, Krabi Town.